Lately, things have been going really well (knock on wood). Because of my living situation, I am forced to make friends all the time, which is really healthy. I love making new friends, but have just realized a weakness in my relationship-forming process. I've hit a level where I'm terrified to go deeper, to get closer to anyone. If I get any closer to the people I live with and am surrounded by, I'm going to hurt badly when the time comes to leave them. I just did this a few months ago, and I still ache any time I think about leaving my best friends and my family.I was crazy blessed to have such wonderful college friends, and I feel like I'm missing parts not having them close. (Luckily they are planning a trip to come visit me very soon. We are going to squeal like small children... and probably skip everywhere we go).
I have no timeline for being here ,really, but I do miss my family badly. I question my decisions often, and though I love it here, there are very real consequences. I know this is a part of growing up, and a part of loving people and life moving you in different directions.(As one of the guys pointed out to me when we were in the hot tub yesterday,"How many people do you know that live with their parents when they are 30?". Though I see his point, and though I haven't "lived with my parents" since high school, I'm REEEAAAALLLLYYYY far away.) I guess that is the worst part of a best situation, though. All of the love and the good times make the hurt bearable. We still can talk to each other, and visit each other. My greatest hope for us--for my relationships with friends and family-- is that we will always be able to pick up where we left off. So far, so good.
I want to live and love fully. It's not fair to the people around me (or to myself) if I don't. I don't want to have reservations about loving people, especially when they have taken me in so quickly.I'm hoping that I am out of this funk by tomorrow. You can understand my reservations though, right? I didn't even realize that that's why I've been feeling a little off the past two days until I was painting and was working on something that reminded me of home. I was kind of beating myself up for being so reclusive. I could have easily found people to hang out with, but I just wanted time by myself. This is how I've felt since Tuesday. I haven't been too sad until tonight--mostly just stand-offish. I have spent time with people, but I've also spent a lot of time alone--overthinking (but of nothing too important, and of nothing new), and painting, and being sort of lazy. Anyway, I was painting tonight and I started crying because I miss my old friends, and then it hit me. The reason I'm choosing to be alone is that I'm afraid to get close to these crazy Californians--but lets face it, I already miss them when I'm away even for a week. I'm also afraid to invest a ton of time and energy in to anything here, because it feels so temporary. I don't know if I want it to be temporary though. There's no pressure for me to decide, but some days I wish I could. Then again, everything is somewhat temporary, right? Silly.
A few days ago, I finally had total closure with a guy I had love-like feelings towards for a while. He lives far, far away, and not even in Missouri, so I probably won't see him again. I was sad to find out he doesn't have love-like feelings for me, but was relieved as well. It was like a weight that I have been carrying for years was finally lifted. Hopefully I will stop comparing every guy I meet to him. Ha! Time will tell. The only reason I bring this up is because I am loving the feeling of a clean slate, and though I'm sad for the loss of him in my idealized future, I'm excited to see the world without that future in the back of my mind. (SO many run-on sentences.I don't feel like fixing them. I hope your eyes aren't too offended).It's the perfect time for me to start over with romantic relationships (though I'm not REALLY looking--just trying to keep a somewhat open mind), as well as invest in platonic ones.
Ahhhh, something about writing always makes me feel better. Maybe some of you can relate? Hope so.
Love, love, love,
LH
Friday, January 25, 2013
Sunday, January 20, 2013
Midwest to West Coast
In my capstone class in college, I had to take the "Strengthsfinder"test so that Dr. Porter knew what he was getting himself in to with our group. It turns out that my number one strength is "Adaptability". Though I never really considered this as a strength before taking the test, (I suggest that everyone take it--it really helped me when writing my resume) it's totally proven itself over and over-- especially as I've adapted to a west coast lifestyle. I think I'm addicted to adapting-- I might like change a little too much. I dig the challenge.
Last week I went home to good ole' Missouri to see the fam and celebrate a late Christmas. It was wonnnnnderful. . . except for the weather.I didn't realize how much time I spend outside in California until I went home and really didn't want to go outside but felt a little cooped up inside (lose/lose). I eventually got used to being inside (sorta) and I at least had excellent company. Mom left up all the Christmas decorations and I gave everyone their presents and Ben and Cara gave me mine. I extended my trip a couple days which made time for some late Christmas cookie/ early Valentines day cooking baking time. I was lucky enough to spend time with both sets of grandparents and aunts and uncles and cousins and my best friend as well. Ben is playing varsity basketball this year, and I got to see him play and Cara perform at her district band concert. I tried to get Ben to carry her out of the auditorium on our shoulders, but for some reason he wouldn't do it.
I had several discussions with people when I was home about when I'm going to move back. I don't know that I will, but I'm not saying I won't either. I really love where I live, but the price I have to pay is that I don't see the people I love most very often. It's taxing. They are understanding of me wanting to be somewhere different for a while, but several people told me that this transition has been hard on my mom. Mom is not an adaptability queen, nor would she ever pretend to be. Ben and Cara and Dad and I kept teasing her --telling her that they should move out here. She wouldn't even joke about it. Mom and I are very similar in a lot of ways, but she absolutely LOVES where she lives, and the thought of being anywhere else bothers her. We should probably quit teasing her. She's a good mamma.
When I go home I feel like I'm in this weird time warp where everyone gets married super young and settles down and has kids. My parents did that,and are happy, so I can't knock it. It's just very opposite of where I am right now. There were several discussions I had with different people who are my age and are tying the knot. I can't imagine that right now, but to that they say, "you just haven't met the right person".
It's going take a very strong-willed man to get me to marry him. Bribes wouldn't hurt either.
So I spent a few days in Missouri and now I'm back in the Golden State and it's been sunny and around 80 degrees everyday. I'm happy to not have to wear pants... or a coat, but I miss my family something awful. Maybe I'll move back in a few years, but I have a feeling that the transition back is going to be just as difficult as the transition here. No matter how much I like the challenge, I can't deny the very low points I went through and the times I would have given anything to be home. Now, I love this place and I love the people I'm with. If I did have to state a next location, Memphis is still on my list. I'm not worried about timing too much now though. I'm happy not having a plan.
LH
Last week I went home to good ole' Missouri to see the fam and celebrate a late Christmas. It was wonnnnnderful. . . except for the weather.I didn't realize how much time I spend outside in California until I went home and really didn't want to go outside but felt a little cooped up inside (lose/lose). I eventually got used to being inside (sorta) and I at least had excellent company. Mom left up all the Christmas decorations and I gave everyone their presents and Ben and Cara gave me mine. I extended my trip a couple days which made time for some late Christmas cookie/ early Valentines day cooking baking time. I was lucky enough to spend time with both sets of grandparents and aunts and uncles and cousins and my best friend as well. Ben is playing varsity basketball this year, and I got to see him play and Cara perform at her district band concert. I tried to get Ben to carry her out of the auditorium on our shoulders, but for some reason he wouldn't do it.
I had several discussions with people when I was home about when I'm going to move back. I don't know that I will, but I'm not saying I won't either. I really love where I live, but the price I have to pay is that I don't see the people I love most very often. It's taxing. They are understanding of me wanting to be somewhere different for a while, but several people told me that this transition has been hard on my mom. Mom is not an adaptability queen, nor would she ever pretend to be. Ben and Cara and Dad and I kept teasing her --telling her that they should move out here. She wouldn't even joke about it. Mom and I are very similar in a lot of ways, but she absolutely LOVES where she lives, and the thought of being anywhere else bothers her. We should probably quit teasing her. She's a good mamma.
When I go home I feel like I'm in this weird time warp where everyone gets married super young and settles down and has kids. My parents did that,and are happy, so I can't knock it. It's just very opposite of where I am right now. There were several discussions I had with different people who are my age and are tying the knot. I can't imagine that right now, but to that they say, "you just haven't met the right person".
It's going take a very strong-willed man to get me to marry him. Bribes wouldn't hurt either.
So I spent a few days in Missouri and now I'm back in the Golden State and it's been sunny and around 80 degrees everyday. I'm happy to not have to wear pants... or a coat, but I miss my family something awful. Maybe I'll move back in a few years, but I have a feeling that the transition back is going to be just as difficult as the transition here. No matter how much I like the challenge, I can't deny the very low points I went through and the times I would have given anything to be home. Now, I love this place and I love the people I'm with. If I did have to state a next location, Memphis is still on my list. I'm not worried about timing too much now though. I'm happy not having a plan.
LH
Sunday, December 30, 2012
California Christmas and feeling lucky
This past week has been insanely busy, but one of my favorites since the move. Sorry if this reads like a journal entry.
For the past couple months I've dreaded my first Christmas away from home. That may seem silly, but I really was worried about my family, how they would handle me not being there for the first time, and well, myself away from them. I was extremely lucky, in that some of my closest friends from home, my neighbors in fact, came to visit, which made the holiday much more enjoyable. We had a wonderful time. I worked Christmas Eve and Christmas, but when I wasn't at work, I was with the Peters in Newport Beach. We spent Christmas Eve afternoon at the beach and then went to a nice dinner, where we were most definitely under-dressed in our beach attire. The place was called the "Rusty Pelican", but unlike it's name is quite nice--probably one of the nicest places in Newport Beach. On Christmas day, I made it to them in time for Chinese dinner and a movie. I was really hoping the waiters would sing "Deck the Halls" so that our Christmas could be just like the one on "A Christmas Story", but this did not actually happen.
The day after Christmas, I worked 4:30 AM to 8:30 AM, which was rough, but I was happy to be done early enough to go to Disneyland with my neighbors from home. Disneyland may not be the happiest place on earth, but we had a great time. I, of course, purchased some Minnie Mouse ears and pretended that I was 6 years old for most of the day. Kate and Nancy and I rode a lot of kiddie rides, which was nice, because I didn't get sick.I was underwhelmed with the castle, but it was still pretty cool to see such an iconic place. Disneyland is beautiful at night--especially at Christmas time. Everything is lit and looks magical.
I was teary-eyed telling the Peters goodbye, but they had to get to Vegas so it was a short goodbye. I'm going to see them in a couple weeks when I go home for a visit, which also made goodbyes easier. I'm beyond grateful for their visit and for all of our adventures. They are the closest family to my family, and since I couldn't have my actual family, I'm so thankful that I had the next best thing.
Thursday I was supposed to have the day off, but ended up getting called in for a few hours, which ironically, made me late to my work Christmas party. When I did finally make it there, it was really entertaining. We ate a lot, played charades (my team won!), and exchanged Secret Santa gifts. Afterwords, a few of us went to play pool and and have a few drinks. I warned everyone that I work with that I don't lose , and I don't think they believed me (until they were defeated). It's ironic that I normally win in pool, because I'm probably the worst player I know. I always get really baller partners though, and was lucky enough to con Glenn into being my partner. It just so happens that he has a pool table at his house. He's pretty alright. It's always fun to beat people you work with.
Friday I worked (of course--not worthy of much discussion), but Friday night and Saturday morning is definitely worthy of a blog post. I went on a hike to the Deep Creek hot springs near Hesperia, CA. We arrived around midnight and hiked by moonlight (and occasional use of a few head lamps and flashlights) It was absolutely beautiful. We hiked down the mountain a couple/few miles to the base, where we arrived at our destination--the hot springs (which are as hot or hotter than your average hot tub). We wasted no time getting in to the springs after stripping down to our swim gear (it was probably around 30 degrees). We spent the next few hours enjoying the springs and then hiked back up around sunrise. It was a chilly hike back, and parts of my ponytail actually froze solid. Crazy! I sprained my ankle near the beginning of our hike back while jumping across a creek, it hurt initially, but it was numbed quickly because of the icy cold water and the freezing air temp.The adrenaline helped as well. I'm not complaining though--I'm sooooo thankful that I couldn't feel the pain on the hike up. It didn't hurt until I woke up after a nap at home. The adventure was definitely worth the injury. My roommates have been taking good care of me. I feel very fortunate to have landed in this place. I'm sure the recovery will be speedy. So for today, I'm laying low, and keeping my ankle high.
Such a great week, and a nice end to a crazy year. It seems insane that tomorrow is the last day of 2012. I should probably do something exciting tomorrow night. We'll see.
Stay golden,
LH
For the past couple months I've dreaded my first Christmas away from home. That may seem silly, but I really was worried about my family, how they would handle me not being there for the first time, and well, myself away from them. I was extremely lucky, in that some of my closest friends from home, my neighbors in fact, came to visit, which made the holiday much more enjoyable. We had a wonderful time. I worked Christmas Eve and Christmas, but when I wasn't at work, I was with the Peters in Newport Beach. We spent Christmas Eve afternoon at the beach and then went to a nice dinner, where we were most definitely under-dressed in our beach attire. The place was called the "Rusty Pelican", but unlike it's name is quite nice--probably one of the nicest places in Newport Beach. On Christmas day, I made it to them in time for Chinese dinner and a movie. I was really hoping the waiters would sing "Deck the Halls" so that our Christmas could be just like the one on "A Christmas Story", but this did not actually happen.
The day after Christmas, I worked 4:30 AM to 8:30 AM, which was rough, but I was happy to be done early enough to go to Disneyland with my neighbors from home. Disneyland may not be the happiest place on earth, but we had a great time. I, of course, purchased some Minnie Mouse ears and pretended that I was 6 years old for most of the day. Kate and Nancy and I rode a lot of kiddie rides, which was nice, because I didn't get sick.I was underwhelmed with the castle, but it was still pretty cool to see such an iconic place. Disneyland is beautiful at night--especially at Christmas time. Everything is lit and looks magical.
I was teary-eyed telling the Peters goodbye, but they had to get to Vegas so it was a short goodbye. I'm going to see them in a couple weeks when I go home for a visit, which also made goodbyes easier. I'm beyond grateful for their visit and for all of our adventures. They are the closest family to my family, and since I couldn't have my actual family, I'm so thankful that I had the next best thing.
Thursday I was supposed to have the day off, but ended up getting called in for a few hours, which ironically, made me late to my work Christmas party. When I did finally make it there, it was really entertaining. We ate a lot, played charades (my team won!), and exchanged Secret Santa gifts. Afterwords, a few of us went to play pool and and have a few drinks. I warned everyone that I work with that I don't lose , and I don't think they believed me (until they were defeated). It's ironic that I normally win in pool, because I'm probably the worst player I know. I always get really baller partners though, and was lucky enough to con Glenn into being my partner. It just so happens that he has a pool table at his house. He's pretty alright. It's always fun to beat people you work with.
Friday I worked (of course--not worthy of much discussion), but Friday night and Saturday morning is definitely worthy of a blog post. I went on a hike to the Deep Creek hot springs near Hesperia, CA. We arrived around midnight and hiked by moonlight (and occasional use of a few head lamps and flashlights) It was absolutely beautiful. We hiked down the mountain a couple/few miles to the base, where we arrived at our destination--the hot springs (which are as hot or hotter than your average hot tub). We wasted no time getting in to the springs after stripping down to our swim gear (it was probably around 30 degrees). We spent the next few hours enjoying the springs and then hiked back up around sunrise. It was a chilly hike back, and parts of my ponytail actually froze solid. Crazy! I sprained my ankle near the beginning of our hike back while jumping across a creek, it hurt initially, but it was numbed quickly because of the icy cold water and the freezing air temp.The adrenaline helped as well. I'm not complaining though--I'm sooooo thankful that I couldn't feel the pain on the hike up. It didn't hurt until I woke up after a nap at home. The adventure was definitely worth the injury. My roommates have been taking good care of me. I feel very fortunate to have landed in this place. I'm sure the recovery will be speedy. So for today, I'm laying low, and keeping my ankle high.
Such a great week, and a nice end to a crazy year. It seems insane that tomorrow is the last day of 2012. I should probably do something exciting tomorrow night. We'll see.
Stay golden,
LH
Friday, December 28, 2012
Breaking the cycle
I have a lot on my mind.
The store I work at is right off the freeway, so we have a few homeless people that are regular visitors. A couple of guys came in today that are homeless and seem to be around my age or maybe younger. They looked pretty fresh--like they hadn't been homeless long. When I got off my shift I quizzed them about their situation. I asked if they had found a shelter or anywhere to sleep at night, and Alex, the one that appeared younger of the two, said he'd done some checking around but everywhere he had found was full, or if they did have openings, he felt he would be safer on the street. He said, "I've got enough issues without having to worry about getting choked in my sleep." I'm hoping to get to know more about these guys in the next few days, and am going to find some way to help them. They didn't ask me to, and the one time I gave them a sympathetic look, they were like, "Liiiz, we'll be okay". They most definitely don't want my pitty, but they didn't reject the notion that I do a little research and see what resources are around to help. So, if you know of any safer places than the street to stay in Southern California, give me a call.
I'm not exactly sure where to start in helping, because I don't know the agencies around here. I emailed my pastor, so hopefully he will know. I know enough about homelessness to know that education is the key to breaking the cycle. This means education of not only the homeless, but of everyone who has a place to stay and doesn't understand what it's like not to. It's almost impossible to get a job or go to school without somewhere to land when it's over. It's not easy to make it in California. The job I have now pays minimum wage, and I have a college degree. I can barely make ends meet financially and I live in one of the cheapest places around.I was lucky here because I had friends who let me stay with them while I found my job and looked for a place. So how is someone who does not have a degree and who does not have a place to stay for whatever reason get all this shit worked out? If I didn't have a job and couldn't support myself, I could find 300+
people that would take me in. I can't imagine not having friends that would let me crash with them, and I think that shows the level of desperation of people on the street. How does a person end up with no friends? Over and over again, I realize how crazy blessed I am.
So then there is a whole myriad of issues that follow ,and I could spend all night creating a cause and effect map of homelessness and how it happens and what it leads to and this would get messy because people aren't the same, and not everyone has the same story or the same situation. Maybe this crazy map would actually help in some way, but I won't put that in this blog. I realize all of my thoughts are scattered while writing this. Probably because of my past studies, this makes me think about drugs. If I were these guys today, I would start selling drugs. Maybe not yet, but soon.I might have to be a bit more desperate, but it's way cleaner and safer than prostitution, and maybe at least then I could find somewhere to live, or at least get a hotel occasionally.
Yeah. I would totally mule drugs.
What would you do? How would you survive? Would you take your chances in a shelter, or stay on the street? How would you make money? One of the guys today told me he wants a guitar, because he thinks he could make some money playing songs. If anyone has a guitar lying around that they want to donate, let me know. I want to see these guys get on their feet while they are still looking fresh , and before society turns their head on them entirely. There is potential exploding out of these guys. They are funny and jovial, and haven't been beaten down just yet.
Anyway, this is just what I'm thinking about tonight. I'm thinking about how to go about solving this problem small scale and on a much larger scale. We obviously need a new system for helping the homeless. I know it's kind of a depressing topic, but I'm really curious what you would do in their situation. Maybe through this we can generate some ideas that will lead us to something greater. I'm so overwhelmed. These are the things that keep me up at night.
LH
The store I work at is right off the freeway, so we have a few homeless people that are regular visitors. A couple of guys came in today that are homeless and seem to be around my age or maybe younger. They looked pretty fresh--like they hadn't been homeless long. When I got off my shift I quizzed them about their situation. I asked if they had found a shelter or anywhere to sleep at night, and Alex, the one that appeared younger of the two, said he'd done some checking around but everywhere he had found was full, or if they did have openings, he felt he would be safer on the street. He said, "I've got enough issues without having to worry about getting choked in my sleep." I'm hoping to get to know more about these guys in the next few days, and am going to find some way to help them. They didn't ask me to, and the one time I gave them a sympathetic look, they were like, "Liiiz, we'll be okay". They most definitely don't want my pitty, but they didn't reject the notion that I do a little research and see what resources are around to help. So, if you know of any safer places than the street to stay in Southern California, give me a call.
I'm not exactly sure where to start in helping, because I don't know the agencies around here. I emailed my pastor, so hopefully he will know. I know enough about homelessness to know that education is the key to breaking the cycle. This means education of not only the homeless, but of everyone who has a place to stay and doesn't understand what it's like not to. It's almost impossible to get a job or go to school without somewhere to land when it's over. It's not easy to make it in California. The job I have now pays minimum wage, and I have a college degree. I can barely make ends meet financially and I live in one of the cheapest places around.I was lucky here because I had friends who let me stay with them while I found my job and looked for a place. So how is someone who does not have a degree and who does not have a place to stay for whatever reason get all this shit worked out? If I didn't have a job and couldn't support myself, I could find 300+
people that would take me in. I can't imagine not having friends that would let me crash with them, and I think that shows the level of desperation of people on the street. How does a person end up with no friends? Over and over again, I realize how crazy blessed I am.
So then there is a whole myriad of issues that follow ,and I could spend all night creating a cause and effect map of homelessness and how it happens and what it leads to and this would get messy because people aren't the same, and not everyone has the same story or the same situation. Maybe this crazy map would actually help in some way, but I won't put that in this blog. I realize all of my thoughts are scattered while writing this. Probably because of my past studies, this makes me think about drugs. If I were these guys today, I would start selling drugs. Maybe not yet, but soon.I might have to be a bit more desperate, but it's way cleaner and safer than prostitution, and maybe at least then I could find somewhere to live, or at least get a hotel occasionally.
Yeah. I would totally mule drugs.
What would you do? How would you survive? Would you take your chances in a shelter, or stay on the street? How would you make money? One of the guys today told me he wants a guitar, because he thinks he could make some money playing songs. If anyone has a guitar lying around that they want to donate, let me know. I want to see these guys get on their feet while they are still looking fresh , and before society turns their head on them entirely. There is potential exploding out of these guys. They are funny and jovial, and haven't been beaten down just yet.
Anyway, this is just what I'm thinking about tonight. I'm thinking about how to go about solving this problem small scale and on a much larger scale. We obviously need a new system for helping the homeless. I know it's kind of a depressing topic, but I'm really curious what you would do in their situation. Maybe through this we can generate some ideas that will lead us to something greater. I'm so overwhelmed. These are the things that keep me up at night.
LH
Thursday, December 20, 2012
It's the end of the world as we know it, and I feel fine.
It seems appropriate to remark on the end of the world, which I've heard will be tomorrow morning at 3 AM. (Can anyone confirm that?)I will probably find something to do to celebrate (or maybe just eat a burrito, with meat. I'm a rebel). Most of the people at the co-op are wanting to go to LA. I think LA may be the very worst place on earth to be at the end of the world. There are so many people and cars in a relatively small space. LA is quite ridiculous. There is a ton of stuff to do, so I sometimes like it, but most of the time I avoid the city. It's dirty and crowded.I like living where I live. I'm only a half an hour from the beach and about 45 min from LA (if I do want to "go out on the town"), depending on traffic, of course. I'm also located near the base of several mountains. There is always something fun to explore. Last night two of the people in the co-op and I went to get hot chocolate and then drove up high enough in the mountains to play in the snow. I forgot what real cold felt like until then. I've been whining the last few days because it has been in the low 60's during the day and then getting down in to the 40's at night. Burrrrr. Ha! Anyway, it was fun to see the snow and to get out and be able to see the stars. Beautiful.
So what I'm wondering is, if this ,in fact, is our last day, and you knew that for certain, would you live it any differently? Where would you like to be? What would you like to be doing? I would want to be with my family and enjoy some time with them. Since I'm away from them, I would probably just hang out with my friends here, but still call them. That would be a bummer, but I would also probably sing and pray and eat some twizzlers and ice cream and pizza (weird cravings today), and maybe just hang out on the beach. I would probably skip work. It wouldn't be anything too out of the ordinary (other than skipping work and eating tons of junk food), and I would really just want people to know that I love them. That might be lame, but it's probably what I would do.
In reality, every day is the "end of the world as we know it".
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Z0GFRcFm-aY
Feelin fine,
LH
Now it's your turn...
So what I'm wondering is, if this ,in fact, is our last day, and you knew that for certain, would you live it any differently? Where would you like to be? What would you like to be doing? I would want to be with my family and enjoy some time with them. Since I'm away from them, I would probably just hang out with my friends here, but still call them. That would be a bummer, but I would also probably sing and pray and eat some twizzlers and ice cream and pizza (weird cravings today), and maybe just hang out on the beach. I would probably skip work. It wouldn't be anything too out of the ordinary (other than skipping work and eating tons of junk food), and I would really just want people to know that I love them. That might be lame, but it's probably what I would do.
In reality, every day is the "end of the world as we know it".
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Z0GFRcFm-aY
Feelin fine,
LH
Now it's your turn...
Tuesday, December 11, 2012
Beanie babies and changing the world
I have a very distinct memory of Princess Diana's death (which I realized is a weird way to start this post). There are a few reasons for this. The first is because they made a Beanie Baby to honor her (I never realized how dumb that was until just now. Who wants to be honored like that?) that was supposed to someday be worth something (I googled it--it's worth about $15)and I had friends that were really in to Beanie babies. (Even the name is awful. How did this ever catch on?)Her death really was an awful and emotional tragedy, and I'm sure I felt sorry for her boys, who were so young. The other reason I remember, however, is because it was about the same time that Mother Teresa passed away. My dad was very upset with the press that Di was getting, and the lack of press Mother Teresa received in comparison. This is not to say that he thought Di was bad or that her death was unimportant--it definitely was a big deal. He just thought it was such a shame that Mother Teresa--who, needless to say,is one of the most influential women of recorded history--was not given proper homage. I am grateful that they did not make a Beanie Baby for her, though. She wouldn't have wanted that. (Then again, who really would? Dave, if you read this, you know Ke$ha would).
So this all goes to show society's skewed view of success. Again, my disclaimer--I do not have ill thoughts towards Princess Diana. I'm just saying... it's Mother Teresa,and where was her press? (Again, not that she would have wanted it.) I don't want to be a part of this system of ideologies--where money equals success, popularity equals love,and honor is given through added consumerism.
In case anyone was wondering, I really don't know what I want to do career-wise, and it bothers me at times (so quit asking,for goodness-sake). I've had a lot of ideas over the years. I've wanted to be a Kansas City Chiefs cheerleader (naturally), tennis player (unnaturally- I never played tennis), doctor, actress, singer, community developer, journalist, pizza maker at a gas station (I've always loved Casey's pizza, which unfortunately, does not exist in California),entertainment booking agent, preacher, barista, bartender,(breath) radio announcer, WNBA player,music teacher, prison reformer... a lot of things. For so long I've defined my own personal success by what I think my profession is or should be. I've felt like a bit of a let down because of the high expectations I place on myself and the ridiculous visions I've had of what post-grad should look like. So put simply, it's not even the expectations of others, but what I imagine others expectations to be (looking-glass self) and my own preconceived notions that trip me up.
What I'm learning right now, is that it is not the job I have that makes me who I am. Sure, what we do plays a part in our happiness and fulfillment, but "the job" is not necessarily what makes or breaks us as individuals. I guess that depends on your own version of success, though. If you define success as having a Beanie Baby made in your honor, then you are going to hate the rest of this paragraph. Success defined is the "accomplishment of an aim or purpose". My aim right now is to have an experience I wouldn't have had at home, as I have previously shared. As a Christian, I feel my purpose is to love and serve others. This is something I want to be better at, and it really does take practice and a concerted effort at changing my view of others to one of love, and not just thinking it, but acting in a way that is love. These are not my only purposes, but my point is, it's not the job that defines us. I love my friends for who they are, not what they do. They could be in the mob and I would still wanna hang out. Actually, that could be kind of cool. Please, friends, do that.
This is not to say that I don't want a fulfilling career. I do want to find something to do that I am really passionate about (which I've found is not the coffee business). This might take a while, though, so for now I will write, and sing, and dance,and make coffee, and purposefully wander and see what there is to see, and keep on loving people and seeing God in the moment. I want to be less concerned with "what I want to be" , and focus on "who I want to be". I want to be full of life, and love, and grace, and joy, and gratitude. I want to think more about others than myself. I want my life to change the course, not because of the popularity of my accomplishments, but because I caused some type of positive shift that actually helped someone somewhere at some point.
Also, I only liked the TY animals that weren't Beanie Babies. You know, the ones that were standard teddy-bear size? I had a dog. His name was Flopper. I think my sister stole him. You can't snuggle with the little Beanie Babies, and most people keep them on shelves (or in cases as to not crush the tags). What good are they?
“I alone cannot change the world, but I can cast a stone across the waters to create many ripples.” Mother Teresa
LH
So this all goes to show society's skewed view of success. Again, my disclaimer--I do not have ill thoughts towards Princess Diana. I'm just saying... it's Mother Teresa,and where was her press? (Again, not that she would have wanted it.) I don't want to be a part of this system of ideologies--where money equals success, popularity equals love,and honor is given through added consumerism.
In case anyone was wondering, I really don't know what I want to do career-wise, and it bothers me at times (so quit asking,for goodness-sake). I've had a lot of ideas over the years. I've wanted to be a Kansas City Chiefs cheerleader (naturally), tennis player (unnaturally- I never played tennis), doctor, actress, singer, community developer, journalist, pizza maker at a gas station (I've always loved Casey's pizza, which unfortunately, does not exist in California),entertainment booking agent, preacher, barista, bartender,(breath) radio announcer, WNBA player,music teacher, prison reformer... a lot of things. For so long I've defined my own personal success by what I think my profession is or should be. I've felt like a bit of a let down because of the high expectations I place on myself and the ridiculous visions I've had of what post-grad should look like. So put simply, it's not even the expectations of others, but what I imagine others expectations to be (looking-glass self) and my own preconceived notions that trip me up.
What I'm learning right now, is that it is not the job I have that makes me who I am. Sure, what we do plays a part in our happiness and fulfillment, but "the job" is not necessarily what makes or breaks us as individuals. I guess that depends on your own version of success, though. If you define success as having a Beanie Baby made in your honor, then you are going to hate the rest of this paragraph. Success defined is the "accomplishment of an aim or purpose". My aim right now is to have an experience I wouldn't have had at home, as I have previously shared. As a Christian, I feel my purpose is to love and serve others. This is something I want to be better at, and it really does take practice and a concerted effort at changing my view of others to one of love, and not just thinking it, but acting in a way that is love. These are not my only purposes, but my point is, it's not the job that defines us. I love my friends for who they are, not what they do. They could be in the mob and I would still wanna hang out. Actually, that could be kind of cool. Please, friends, do that.
This is not to say that I don't want a fulfilling career. I do want to find something to do that I am really passionate about (which I've found is not the coffee business). This might take a while, though, so for now I will write, and sing, and dance,and make coffee, and purposefully wander and see what there is to see, and keep on loving people and seeing God in the moment. I want to be less concerned with "what I want to be" , and focus on "who I want to be". I want to be full of life, and love, and grace, and joy, and gratitude. I want to think more about others than myself. I want my life to change the course, not because of the popularity of my accomplishments, but because I caused some type of positive shift that actually helped someone somewhere at some point.
Also, I only liked the TY animals that weren't Beanie Babies. You know, the ones that were standard teddy-bear size? I had a dog. His name was Flopper. I think my sister stole him. You can't snuggle with the little Beanie Babies, and most people keep them on shelves (or in cases as to not crush the tags). What good are they?
“I alone cannot change the world, but I can cast a stone across the waters to create many ripples.” Mother Teresa
LH
Monday, December 10, 2012
Eureka... I have found it!
I don't want to start this story from the very beginning. There are a lot of boring details that I could spend hours reciting, but the purpose of this is not to bore you (or me, since I may be the only person who reads it). The purpose of this is to keep me writing--a skill that deteriorates if not exercised. If done correctly, it will be informative and mildly entertaining...
There are a number of factors that landed me in California ,but only one purpose that really keeps me here. I came wanting a new experience, and specifically an experience I wouldn't be able to find in Missouri.There is nothing inherently wrong with Missouri. I had a nice life there. I went to a big university and had many dependable friends. I had a good job with people I loved to work with. I had my family and Gretyl the dog. Life was good to me in Missouri, and I was happy and blessed. I came to a crossroads after college where I had to make an inevitable decision. As The Clash wrote in 1981, "should I stay or should I go?" I come back to this question often, even after 5 months here. I battle feelings of selfishness, not knowing if it's right or wrong to be here. Have I deserted those I love the most? I hope not. I just need this place. In order to grow as a human being--to really live-- I felt that I must go. And for the time being, I must stay.
As a kid, I would sit out on my front porch and imagine that I was somewhere else—somewhere like California where life was a different pace. (I was always getting in trouble for daydreaming. Focus,Liz, focus.) I wondered if I would look different in a place like California. Would I be tan with perfectly sun-bleached hair? Would my school have a hot tub where I would spend my winter reading laminated text books that would be made specifically water-safe (This was a long time day dream of mine in elementary school. I've always had a love for water, and well, how cool would it be to spend school days in a hot tub?! I think this idea might have stemmed from a rumor that there was a hot tub in the teachers lounge. Oddly enough, that never made me want to be a teacher.)Maybe we would have class on the beach and recess would be spent surfing. Were the school lunches better in California? Would the backstreet boys play kickball in my yard? These were the things I thought about as a kid. My dreams never left me in Missouri.
Because Missouri itself isn’t all that interesting, I took an interest in the different kinds of people to engage my mind. I’ve spent time with a lot of different crowds: from hipsters, to metal heads, to athletes, to nerds, to aggies. People have always facinated me , and that's probably why Sociology was a good fit for me in college. Though I think psychology is interesting, I care less about the internal factors that effect us , and far more about the experiences we have that shape who we are. (These can go hand in hand, but that's another topic for another time). California was appealing to me from the beginning because of the diversity.I was so excited to meet new people, take a new direction, and breathe in different air. Little did I know that where I would move the air would be filthy and give me a headache for a couple months.
Actually, the air and the traffic here are really the only things I dislike. The first time I tried to run in California, I thought I was going to have a bloody nose and also throw up. Simultaneously. Of course, I quit running before that happened. I’m not much for sacrifice while running. Just tying up the laces and putting on a sports bra is sometimes daunting enough to me to push the run till the next day... or week. The first two weeks I was here it was relatively cool—in the 70’s and 80’s and I told my mom I would probably lose 20 pounds before the next time she saw me because I would be so active with the nice weather. That was before summer really kicked in and I started working at Starbucks, where I'm surrounded in sugar and pastries. Maybe 5 pounds would be a more practical vision.
So here I am, 5 months in "The Golden State", finally finding the adventure I was searching for. Adventure isn't easy, though, and I'm learning and being challenged daily. My hope is that California strengthens me, and that through living here I can be an example to the two people I miss most--my goofball brother and beautiful sister.I hope that in this they see that life never has to grow stagnant, that fear shouldn't control us, and that distance will never change how much I love them.
Sidenote:
Newport Beach Elementary is literally located ON the beach, so those lucky brats really do have recess on the beach, though I didn't see any surfboards. . .
There are a number of factors that landed me in California ,but only one purpose that really keeps me here. I came wanting a new experience, and specifically an experience I wouldn't be able to find in Missouri.There is nothing inherently wrong with Missouri. I had a nice life there. I went to a big university and had many dependable friends. I had a good job with people I loved to work with. I had my family and Gretyl the dog. Life was good to me in Missouri, and I was happy and blessed. I came to a crossroads after college where I had to make an inevitable decision. As The Clash wrote in 1981, "should I stay or should I go?" I come back to this question often, even after 5 months here. I battle feelings of selfishness, not knowing if it's right or wrong to be here. Have I deserted those I love the most? I hope not. I just need this place. In order to grow as a human being--to really live-- I felt that I must go. And for the time being, I must stay.
As a kid, I would sit out on my front porch and imagine that I was somewhere else—somewhere like California where life was a different pace. (I was always getting in trouble for daydreaming. Focus,Liz, focus.) I wondered if I would look different in a place like California. Would I be tan with perfectly sun-bleached hair? Would my school have a hot tub where I would spend my winter reading laminated text books that would be made specifically water-safe (This was a long time day dream of mine in elementary school. I've always had a love for water, and well, how cool would it be to spend school days in a hot tub?! I think this idea might have stemmed from a rumor that there was a hot tub in the teachers lounge. Oddly enough, that never made me want to be a teacher.)Maybe we would have class on the beach and recess would be spent surfing. Were the school lunches better in California? Would the backstreet boys play kickball in my yard? These were the things I thought about as a kid. My dreams never left me in Missouri.
Because Missouri itself isn’t all that interesting, I took an interest in the different kinds of people to engage my mind. I’ve spent time with a lot of different crowds: from hipsters, to metal heads, to athletes, to nerds, to aggies. People have always facinated me , and that's probably why Sociology was a good fit for me in college. Though I think psychology is interesting, I care less about the internal factors that effect us , and far more about the experiences we have that shape who we are. (These can go hand in hand, but that's another topic for another time). California was appealing to me from the beginning because of the diversity.I was so excited to meet new people, take a new direction, and breathe in different air. Little did I know that where I would move the air would be filthy and give me a headache for a couple months.
Actually, the air and the traffic here are really the only things I dislike. The first time I tried to run in California, I thought I was going to have a bloody nose and also throw up. Simultaneously. Of course, I quit running before that happened. I’m not much for sacrifice while running. Just tying up the laces and putting on a sports bra is sometimes daunting enough to me to push the run till the next day... or week. The first two weeks I was here it was relatively cool—in the 70’s and 80’s and I told my mom I would probably lose 20 pounds before the next time she saw me because I would be so active with the nice weather. That was before summer really kicked in and I started working at Starbucks, where I'm surrounded in sugar and pastries. Maybe 5 pounds would be a more practical vision.
So here I am, 5 months in "The Golden State", finally finding the adventure I was searching for. Adventure isn't easy, though, and I'm learning and being challenged daily. My hope is that California strengthens me, and that through living here I can be an example to the two people I miss most--my goofball brother and beautiful sister.I hope that in this they see that life never has to grow stagnant, that fear shouldn't control us, and that distance will never change how much I love them.
Sidenote:
Newport Beach Elementary is literally located ON the beach, so those lucky brats really do have recess on the beach, though I didn't see any surfboards. . .
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