I have a lot of thoughts spinning through my head. I don't know that I can package these thoughts neatly, especially today. If it doesn't make sense, well... deal.
I'm thinking about what it means to be love. There's this song I'm obsessed with that has a line that goes, "The opposite of love's indifference" and I get this line stuck in my head a lot. I know plenty of people who are in love that have been good examples to me-- both sets of grandparents have been married over 60 years and my parents for 25. My best friend is in love with her boyfriend and they will get married within the next 14 months or so. (So excited- we are going to party like its 1999). I know that love is not always easy for them. I know that they get mad at each other. I know that its hard to love someone when you know everything about them (including their tiniest faults and bathroom habits), and that indifference is far, far easier.
The same is true with friends and even global issues and justice. There are many times I have chosen to care less when friends struggle, when instead I should have been more empathetic, and more compassionate. There are times when I turn a blind eye to what's happening in the world because it's easier to not feel then to think about people in other places seeking justice and being defeated daily. If we are called to love, we need to be willing to feel something, to take a side, to stand up. I learned what love is from my parents and my family. How do you teach love to someone who has never felt it? How do you teach love to a kid whose parents are constantly fighting, to a high school girl that equates love with sex, to a college student who is loved by her friends but doesn't understand it because she's been abused? How can love feel so foreign?
I've been reminded several times, just in the last 12 or so hours, of how rare it is to be related to people you like that also love each other.
17 years ago today my mom had a baby that passed away not long after being born. Her name was Emilie and she was beautiful. The doctors knew before she was born that she probably wouldn't make it. My mom had a series of miscarriages before this (I think six), but things were going better this time, and we thought maybe it would finally work out. I remember the day my parents found out that there were complications and how upset they were. Through this whole process, they never quit showing me how much they loved me, and I'm sure it brought us closer. It is impossible to go through tragedy like that without having some change in relationships. For some families, it tears them apart, but for us, we clung tighter. This whole period was very sad and difficult, but as the story continues and a couple years pass, there is happiness. My brother was born, and though he too was born prematurely, a couple weeks in the hospital fixed him up and he's been a healthy and strong kid. I remember Mom holding him when he was a baby and crying saying "he's just so perfect". (Ben, if you read this, don't get all cocky about it. We all know Cara is actually the golden child. She just doesn't care).
I've seen love, and I've seen light in really dark situations. Every family has their struggles , and every parent has the opportunity to choose love or to choose indifference. My prayer for all my friends and family, is the feeling of significance-- that they feel like they have family whether from friends in community or actual blood relatives and that they can be loved and love others. Hell, this is my prayer for the world.
With love,
LH
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UJWk_KNbDHo
Tuesday, April 30, 2013
Tuesday, April 23, 2013
Gettin crazy
I've never been this color in April. To most, I still seem very white, but this one is going down in the books as the tannest April of my life thus far. The past few days it has been in the 80's and lower 90's here, and a little cooler (and pretty much perfect) on the beach. That's where I spent today. I have been to the beach more in the past week than any other week since I first moved. I'm LOVING it. A couple of the guys I work with surf, and I'm hoping to convince one of them to teach me their ways this summer. I talked to Mom today and she said they had flurries in Missouri today. I picked the right year to move here, apparently.
I met with Cait and Dominique about moving to L.A. ,and am really, really hoping it works out for everyone. Our goal is June 1st, so that is something to look forward to. I'm dreading the moving process, but I think I can fit everything I own except my bed in my car. More than that, I'm dreading saying goodbye to my good friends at the co-op. When I reflect on my California experience thus far, I am overwhelmed with my good fortune in finding such wonderful friends and adventures. If anyone from the co-op reads this, know that someone else will have to instigate "prude night" in the hot tub. You just have to wear your swim gear... or anything. Just wear something, please. I don't want you all to die. That thing is a cesspool.
Before I left home last week, Boompa (my grandpa, in case you couldn't guess)gave me some money and told me to do something crazy with it. Initially, I was going to take surf lessons with it, but since I know people that surf now, I might be able to use the money for something else. Here are my ideas. Let me know if you have any as well.
1. Drive to San Diego and see some sights. Boompa was stationed there in the Navy, and would probably like to see pictures of it now.
2. Get a tattoo. I'm not sure what of, but he would probably think that was at least a little funny.
3. Go to a show at one of the venues on my California to-do list.
4. Alcatraz. I've been wanting to take the tour and see San Fran.
5. Get tickets to watch the Royals or Cardinals play the Dodgers or Angels. Also, Boompa LOVES baseball.
Okay, so they aren't all crazy, but they do seem pretty fun!
Love,
LH
I met with Cait and Dominique about moving to L.A. ,and am really, really hoping it works out for everyone. Our goal is June 1st, so that is something to look forward to. I'm dreading the moving process, but I think I can fit everything I own except my bed in my car. More than that, I'm dreading saying goodbye to my good friends at the co-op. When I reflect on my California experience thus far, I am overwhelmed with my good fortune in finding such wonderful friends and adventures. If anyone from the co-op reads this, know that someone else will have to instigate "prude night" in the hot tub. You just have to wear your swim gear... or anything. Just wear something, please. I don't want you all to die. That thing is a cesspool.
Before I left home last week, Boompa (my grandpa, in case you couldn't guess)gave me some money and told me to do something crazy with it. Initially, I was going to take surf lessons with it, but since I know people that surf now, I might be able to use the money for something else. Here are my ideas. Let me know if you have any as well.
1. Drive to San Diego and see some sights. Boompa was stationed there in the Navy, and would probably like to see pictures of it now.
2. Get a tattoo. I'm not sure what of, but he would probably think that was at least a little funny.
3. Go to a show at one of the venues on my California to-do list.
4. Alcatraz. I've been wanting to take the tour and see San Fran.
5. Get tickets to watch the Royals or Cardinals play the Dodgers or Angels. Also, Boompa LOVES baseball.
Okay, so they aren't all crazy, but they do seem pretty fun!
Love,
LH
Monday, April 22, 2013
This is what quitting feels like
I can finally breathe.
Let me just start by saying that I can't believe that less than a week ago I was in Missouri. I flew back here on Tuesday and even that seems like a very long time ago. I came back to two work schedules that overlapped, and spent a significant amount of time freaking out and trying to make both work. I never could get several of my Starbucks shifts covered, and in the middle of the madness, decided it was crazy to try to keep that job. I'm getting a full load at the station, and with all the driving, I hardly had time to shower and sleep. I realized after I quit (yesterday morning at 5:30 AM) that I had been holding my breath for a few days. I can finally breath again, and it feels so good!
I realized after quitting Starbucks that I have never actually had to quit a real job before, at least not like this. In the past, the reason I have quit jobs has been for very obvious reasons, like graduating high school, graduating college, or because the work was done or it was a summer job. This was hard for me. I wanted everything to be neat and tidy when I quit and didn't want to leave them scrambling. There was no good way of doing that this late in the game, however. I wish I had decided to quit as soon as I got the other job, but even then they would still have to figure out scheduling. I feel guilty, but I also know that I did the best I could in the situation and given the circumstances and pressure I put on myself.
Moving on from that, I'm excited to be able to focus on the radio gig and end a job I never wanted to pursue (although I'm so grateful I had it-- paid the bills, learned new skills, and made great friends). I will most definitely miss the people I worked with there, as they were the first friends I made when I moved here, and have been somewhat like family. I really hated the job when I first started, but after a while, I sort of looked forward to it. The first few months I lived here I was really lonely, and they took my mind off of being so far from home. I'm beyond grateful for that.
Now I have the next two days off and can focus on finding an apartment and hopefully getting all my ducks in a row to move closer to L.A. I never thought I'd say this, but I'm actually looking forward to moving to that blasted city. It seems like an adventure, and I'll have great company in the two girls I'm moving with.
I have more to say, but I am just so, so sleepy. I spent plenty 'o time out in the sun today, and am burnt and zapped of energy. I love it though.
Golden (and a little crispy),
LH
Let me just start by saying that I can't believe that less than a week ago I was in Missouri. I flew back here on Tuesday and even that seems like a very long time ago. I came back to two work schedules that overlapped, and spent a significant amount of time freaking out and trying to make both work. I never could get several of my Starbucks shifts covered, and in the middle of the madness, decided it was crazy to try to keep that job. I'm getting a full load at the station, and with all the driving, I hardly had time to shower and sleep. I realized after I quit (yesterday morning at 5:30 AM) that I had been holding my breath for a few days. I can finally breath again, and it feels so good!
I realized after quitting Starbucks that I have never actually had to quit a real job before, at least not like this. In the past, the reason I have quit jobs has been for very obvious reasons, like graduating high school, graduating college, or because the work was done or it was a summer job. This was hard for me. I wanted everything to be neat and tidy when I quit and didn't want to leave them scrambling. There was no good way of doing that this late in the game, however. I wish I had decided to quit as soon as I got the other job, but even then they would still have to figure out scheduling. I feel guilty, but I also know that I did the best I could in the situation and given the circumstances and pressure I put on myself.
Moving on from that, I'm excited to be able to focus on the radio gig and end a job I never wanted to pursue (although I'm so grateful I had it-- paid the bills, learned new skills, and made great friends). I will most definitely miss the people I worked with there, as they were the first friends I made when I moved here, and have been somewhat like family. I really hated the job when I first started, but after a while, I sort of looked forward to it. The first few months I lived here I was really lonely, and they took my mind off of being so far from home. I'm beyond grateful for that.
Now I have the next two days off and can focus on finding an apartment and hopefully getting all my ducks in a row to move closer to L.A. I never thought I'd say this, but I'm actually looking forward to moving to that blasted city. It seems like an adventure, and I'll have great company in the two girls I'm moving with.
I have more to say, but I am just so, so sleepy. I spent plenty 'o time out in the sun today, and am burnt and zapped of energy. I love it though.
Golden (and a little crispy),
LH
Wednesday, April 17, 2013
Something worth writing
I finally got a radio job! Yeeeehaawwww! The past couple of weeks have been really,really crazy,because I've been trying to work both at Amp (the LA radio station)as well as at Starbucks and have also taken a trip home to Missouri. Today I've been playing catch up, trying to do laundry (which is a long process without a dryer) and trying to find people to cover shifts at Starbucks when I'm at the radio station. So far, I haven't been very successful today, though I have finished a couple loads of laundry and bought a new planner to write all of this madness in. I'm on the verge of several big changes, and am really excited to move to LA and dive head first in to radio land.
I've said this a hundred times, but I really mean it this time. I want to focus more time on writing. In just a couple weeks, it will have been a year since I graduated from college. In this past year, I've had more change than any other time in my life, and I desperately need to write it down in detail, before I forget everything that has happened. I don't want to forget the people I've met, the obstacles I've faced, or all of the weird and good times I've experienced. I'm trying to figure out in what format I want to write all of this. Do I want to continue to blog and write things as they occur from day to day? Or maybe I should write a fictional story and incorporate events and people and places in to it. I've been trying to think of a theme--maybe something I've learned or some central theme. If anything the theme of my writing should be uncertainty. When I was driving across the country last July, I was excited but a little worried, not knowing what the next day would look like, or who I would be around. Nothing was familiar. That was a very odd feeling. I still feel something like that occasionally. Now, I'm not sure where I'm going to move to, but at least I know I have friends to move with, and I've met all my coworkers and have an idea of what to expect from this job. I'm going to miss my friends at the co-op and at Starbucks. I have a few people here that I've gotten close to, and it's going to be sad to say goodbye. I guess movement could be another theme. I have done a whole lot of moving, and have called several places home in the last 12 months. Home is a lot, though. Home for me right now is where I'm currently living, but also where my family is. Mom always gets upset when I call something other than our family house home, but I have to have home where I am as well. Home is also Mizzou, where I went to college and where I met my very closest friends and gained knowledge and ideas that have shaped my beliefs about the world.
I have a lot of things I could write about, but what needs to be written?
Time for work.
LH
I've said this a hundred times, but I really mean it this time. I want to focus more time on writing. In just a couple weeks, it will have been a year since I graduated from college. In this past year, I've had more change than any other time in my life, and I desperately need to write it down in detail, before I forget everything that has happened. I don't want to forget the people I've met, the obstacles I've faced, or all of the weird and good times I've experienced. I'm trying to figure out in what format I want to write all of this. Do I want to continue to blog and write things as they occur from day to day? Or maybe I should write a fictional story and incorporate events and people and places in to it. I've been trying to think of a theme--maybe something I've learned or some central theme. If anything the theme of my writing should be uncertainty. When I was driving across the country last July, I was excited but a little worried, not knowing what the next day would look like, or who I would be around. Nothing was familiar. That was a very odd feeling. I still feel something like that occasionally. Now, I'm not sure where I'm going to move to, but at least I know I have friends to move with, and I've met all my coworkers and have an idea of what to expect from this job. I'm going to miss my friends at the co-op and at Starbucks. I have a few people here that I've gotten close to, and it's going to be sad to say goodbye. I guess movement could be another theme. I have done a whole lot of moving, and have called several places home in the last 12 months. Home is a lot, though. Home for me right now is where I'm currently living, but also where my family is. Mom always gets upset when I call something other than our family house home, but I have to have home where I am as well. Home is also Mizzou, where I went to college and where I met my very closest friends and gained knowledge and ideas that have shaped my beliefs about the world.
I have a lot of things I could write about, but what needs to be written?
Time for work.
LH
Saturday, March 23, 2013
Two Months Later...
I can't believe it has been two months since I last blogged. Time has been flying, and I've been a bit busier. Also, the weather has been better, so I've been spending more time outside. I really wish I would have blogged at least one other time in the past two months, because I'm not really sure where to start...
Lets see. I'm still living at the co-op and that is going pretty well. I occasionally sneak meat in to the house, which makes me feel edgy. Our demon washing machine isn't doing its job, and may be destroying some of my things and eating my socks. That's my biggest complaint at the moment.
Three of my very best friends in the world came from Illinois, Virginia, and Missouri to visit a couple weeks ago. We had the best time! I took them to a lot of my favorite places and a few I've never been. We spent most of our time outside and got a little burnt ,but it was wonderful. (Skin cancer doesn't exist for us, we've decided.) We all spent the days after we parted crying, but I think that speaks well of our relationship and the time we spent together. It would be much more pathetic if we spent all that time and were fine leaving each other. I feel beyond fortunate to know them and be so closely tied. I could go on and on, but I won't.
I had a couple of interviews this week with a radio station. I'm EXTREMELY pumped about it, but won't know for a couple more weeks if I got the job or not. It would be a great foot in the door, and maybe even worth moving in to LA for. If it doesn't work out, I'm probably going to move to San Diego or somewhere farther from the city this summer. I think it's only worth staying near if I love my job.
Well, it's almost noon and the sun in shining. I think that's my cue to head to the beach. I'll try to post more soon.
Getting golden (hopefully not red),
Liz
Lets see. I'm still living at the co-op and that is going pretty well. I occasionally sneak meat in to the house, which makes me feel edgy. Our demon washing machine isn't doing its job, and may be destroying some of my things and eating my socks. That's my biggest complaint at the moment.
Three of my very best friends in the world came from Illinois, Virginia, and Missouri to visit a couple weeks ago. We had the best time! I took them to a lot of my favorite places and a few I've never been. We spent most of our time outside and got a little burnt ,but it was wonderful. (Skin cancer doesn't exist for us, we've decided.) We all spent the days after we parted crying, but I think that speaks well of our relationship and the time we spent together. It would be much more pathetic if we spent all that time and were fine leaving each other. I feel beyond fortunate to know them and be so closely tied. I could go on and on, but I won't.
I had a couple of interviews this week with a radio station. I'm EXTREMELY pumped about it, but won't know for a couple more weeks if I got the job or not. It would be a great foot in the door, and maybe even worth moving in to LA for. If it doesn't work out, I'm probably going to move to San Diego or somewhere farther from the city this summer. I think it's only worth staying near if I love my job.
Well, it's almost noon and the sun in shining. I think that's my cue to head to the beach. I'll try to post more soon.
Getting golden (hopefully not red),
Liz
Friday, January 25, 2013
The worst of the best
Lately, things have been going really well (knock on wood). Because of my living situation, I am forced to make friends all the time, which is really healthy. I love making new friends, but have just realized a weakness in my relationship-forming process. I've hit a level where I'm terrified to go deeper, to get closer to anyone. If I get any closer to the people I live with and am surrounded by, I'm going to hurt badly when the time comes to leave them. I just did this a few months ago, and I still ache any time I think about leaving my best friends and my family.I was crazy blessed to have such wonderful college friends, and I feel like I'm missing parts not having them close. (Luckily they are planning a trip to come visit me very soon. We are going to squeal like small children... and probably skip everywhere we go).
I have no timeline for being here ,really, but I do miss my family badly. I question my decisions often, and though I love it here, there are very real consequences. I know this is a part of growing up, and a part of loving people and life moving you in different directions.(As one of the guys pointed out to me when we were in the hot tub yesterday,"How many people do you know that live with their parents when they are 30?". Though I see his point, and though I haven't "lived with my parents" since high school, I'm REEEAAAALLLLYYYY far away.) I guess that is the worst part of a best situation, though. All of the love and the good times make the hurt bearable. We still can talk to each other, and visit each other. My greatest hope for us--for my relationships with friends and family-- is that we will always be able to pick up where we left off. So far, so good.
I want to live and love fully. It's not fair to the people around me (or to myself) if I don't. I don't want to have reservations about loving people, especially when they have taken me in so quickly.I'm hoping that I am out of this funk by tomorrow. You can understand my reservations though, right? I didn't even realize that that's why I've been feeling a little off the past two days until I was painting and was working on something that reminded me of home. I was kind of beating myself up for being so reclusive. I could have easily found people to hang out with, but I just wanted time by myself. This is how I've felt since Tuesday. I haven't been too sad until tonight--mostly just stand-offish. I have spent time with people, but I've also spent a lot of time alone--overthinking (but of nothing too important, and of nothing new), and painting, and being sort of lazy. Anyway, I was painting tonight and I started crying because I miss my old friends, and then it hit me. The reason I'm choosing to be alone is that I'm afraid to get close to these crazy Californians--but lets face it, I already miss them when I'm away even for a week. I'm also afraid to invest a ton of time and energy in to anything here, because it feels so temporary. I don't know if I want it to be temporary though. There's no pressure for me to decide, but some days I wish I could. Then again, everything is somewhat temporary, right? Silly.
A few days ago, I finally had total closure with a guy I had love-like feelings towards for a while. He lives far, far away, and not even in Missouri, so I probably won't see him again. I was sad to find out he doesn't have love-like feelings for me, but was relieved as well. It was like a weight that I have been carrying for years was finally lifted. Hopefully I will stop comparing every guy I meet to him. Ha! Time will tell. The only reason I bring this up is because I am loving the feeling of a clean slate, and though I'm sad for the loss of him in my idealized future, I'm excited to see the world without that future in the back of my mind. (SO many run-on sentences.I don't feel like fixing them. I hope your eyes aren't too offended).It's the perfect time for me to start over with romantic relationships (though I'm not REALLY looking--just trying to keep a somewhat open mind), as well as invest in platonic ones.
Ahhhh, something about writing always makes me feel better. Maybe some of you can relate? Hope so.
Love, love, love,
LH
I have no timeline for being here ,really, but I do miss my family badly. I question my decisions often, and though I love it here, there are very real consequences. I know this is a part of growing up, and a part of loving people and life moving you in different directions.(As one of the guys pointed out to me when we were in the hot tub yesterday,"How many people do you know that live with their parents when they are 30?". Though I see his point, and though I haven't "lived with my parents" since high school, I'm REEEAAAALLLLYYYY far away.) I guess that is the worst part of a best situation, though. All of the love and the good times make the hurt bearable. We still can talk to each other, and visit each other. My greatest hope for us--for my relationships with friends and family-- is that we will always be able to pick up where we left off. So far, so good.
I want to live and love fully. It's not fair to the people around me (or to myself) if I don't. I don't want to have reservations about loving people, especially when they have taken me in so quickly.I'm hoping that I am out of this funk by tomorrow. You can understand my reservations though, right? I didn't even realize that that's why I've been feeling a little off the past two days until I was painting and was working on something that reminded me of home. I was kind of beating myself up for being so reclusive. I could have easily found people to hang out with, but I just wanted time by myself. This is how I've felt since Tuesday. I haven't been too sad until tonight--mostly just stand-offish. I have spent time with people, but I've also spent a lot of time alone--overthinking (but of nothing too important, and of nothing new), and painting, and being sort of lazy. Anyway, I was painting tonight and I started crying because I miss my old friends, and then it hit me. The reason I'm choosing to be alone is that I'm afraid to get close to these crazy Californians--but lets face it, I already miss them when I'm away even for a week. I'm also afraid to invest a ton of time and energy in to anything here, because it feels so temporary. I don't know if I want it to be temporary though. There's no pressure for me to decide, but some days I wish I could. Then again, everything is somewhat temporary, right? Silly.
A few days ago, I finally had total closure with a guy I had love-like feelings towards for a while. He lives far, far away, and not even in Missouri, so I probably won't see him again. I was sad to find out he doesn't have love-like feelings for me, but was relieved as well. It was like a weight that I have been carrying for years was finally lifted. Hopefully I will stop comparing every guy I meet to him. Ha! Time will tell. The only reason I bring this up is because I am loving the feeling of a clean slate, and though I'm sad for the loss of him in my idealized future, I'm excited to see the world without that future in the back of my mind. (SO many run-on sentences.I don't feel like fixing them. I hope your eyes aren't too offended).It's the perfect time for me to start over with romantic relationships (though I'm not REALLY looking--just trying to keep a somewhat open mind), as well as invest in platonic ones.
Ahhhh, something about writing always makes me feel better. Maybe some of you can relate? Hope so.
Love, love, love,
LH
Sunday, January 20, 2013
Midwest to West Coast
In my capstone class in college, I had to take the "Strengthsfinder"test so that Dr. Porter knew what he was getting himself in to with our group. It turns out that my number one strength is "Adaptability". Though I never really considered this as a strength before taking the test, (I suggest that everyone take it--it really helped me when writing my resume) it's totally proven itself over and over-- especially as I've adapted to a west coast lifestyle. I think I'm addicted to adapting-- I might like change a little too much. I dig the challenge.
Last week I went home to good ole' Missouri to see the fam and celebrate a late Christmas. It was wonnnnnderful. . . except for the weather.I didn't realize how much time I spend outside in California until I went home and really didn't want to go outside but felt a little cooped up inside (lose/lose). I eventually got used to being inside (sorta) and I at least had excellent company. Mom left up all the Christmas decorations and I gave everyone their presents and Ben and Cara gave me mine. I extended my trip a couple days which made time for some late Christmas cookie/ early Valentines day cooking baking time. I was lucky enough to spend time with both sets of grandparents and aunts and uncles and cousins and my best friend as well. Ben is playing varsity basketball this year, and I got to see him play and Cara perform at her district band concert. I tried to get Ben to carry her out of the auditorium on our shoulders, but for some reason he wouldn't do it.
I had several discussions with people when I was home about when I'm going to move back. I don't know that I will, but I'm not saying I won't either. I really love where I live, but the price I have to pay is that I don't see the people I love most very often. It's taxing. They are understanding of me wanting to be somewhere different for a while, but several people told me that this transition has been hard on my mom. Mom is not an adaptability queen, nor would she ever pretend to be. Ben and Cara and Dad and I kept teasing her --telling her that they should move out here. She wouldn't even joke about it. Mom and I are very similar in a lot of ways, but she absolutely LOVES where she lives, and the thought of being anywhere else bothers her. We should probably quit teasing her. She's a good mamma.
When I go home I feel like I'm in this weird time warp where everyone gets married super young and settles down and has kids. My parents did that,and are happy, so I can't knock it. It's just very opposite of where I am right now. There were several discussions I had with different people who are my age and are tying the knot. I can't imagine that right now, but to that they say, "you just haven't met the right person".
It's going take a very strong-willed man to get me to marry him. Bribes wouldn't hurt either.
So I spent a few days in Missouri and now I'm back in the Golden State and it's been sunny and around 80 degrees everyday. I'm happy to not have to wear pants... or a coat, but I miss my family something awful. Maybe I'll move back in a few years, but I have a feeling that the transition back is going to be just as difficult as the transition here. No matter how much I like the challenge, I can't deny the very low points I went through and the times I would have given anything to be home. Now, I love this place and I love the people I'm with. If I did have to state a next location, Memphis is still on my list. I'm not worried about timing too much now though. I'm happy not having a plan.
LH
Last week I went home to good ole' Missouri to see the fam and celebrate a late Christmas. It was wonnnnnderful. . . except for the weather.I didn't realize how much time I spend outside in California until I went home and really didn't want to go outside but felt a little cooped up inside (lose/lose). I eventually got used to being inside (sorta) and I at least had excellent company. Mom left up all the Christmas decorations and I gave everyone their presents and Ben and Cara gave me mine. I extended my trip a couple days which made time for some late Christmas cookie/ early Valentines day cooking baking time. I was lucky enough to spend time with both sets of grandparents and aunts and uncles and cousins and my best friend as well. Ben is playing varsity basketball this year, and I got to see him play and Cara perform at her district band concert. I tried to get Ben to carry her out of the auditorium on our shoulders, but for some reason he wouldn't do it.
I had several discussions with people when I was home about when I'm going to move back. I don't know that I will, but I'm not saying I won't either. I really love where I live, but the price I have to pay is that I don't see the people I love most very often. It's taxing. They are understanding of me wanting to be somewhere different for a while, but several people told me that this transition has been hard on my mom. Mom is not an adaptability queen, nor would she ever pretend to be. Ben and Cara and Dad and I kept teasing her --telling her that they should move out here. She wouldn't even joke about it. Mom and I are very similar in a lot of ways, but she absolutely LOVES where she lives, and the thought of being anywhere else bothers her. We should probably quit teasing her. She's a good mamma.
When I go home I feel like I'm in this weird time warp where everyone gets married super young and settles down and has kids. My parents did that,and are happy, so I can't knock it. It's just very opposite of where I am right now. There were several discussions I had with different people who are my age and are tying the knot. I can't imagine that right now, but to that they say, "you just haven't met the right person".
It's going take a very strong-willed man to get me to marry him. Bribes wouldn't hurt either.
So I spent a few days in Missouri and now I'm back in the Golden State and it's been sunny and around 80 degrees everyday. I'm happy to not have to wear pants... or a coat, but I miss my family something awful. Maybe I'll move back in a few years, but I have a feeling that the transition back is going to be just as difficult as the transition here. No matter how much I like the challenge, I can't deny the very low points I went through and the times I would have given anything to be home. Now, I love this place and I love the people I'm with. If I did have to state a next location, Memphis is still on my list. I'm not worried about timing too much now though. I'm happy not having a plan.
LH
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