Love, indifference, and happy endings (or beginnings?)

I have a lot of thoughts spinning through my head. I don't know that I can package these thoughts neatly, especially today. If it doesn't make sense, well... deal.

I'm thinking about what it means to be love. There's this song I'm obsessed with that has a line that goes, "The opposite of love's indifference" and I get this line stuck in my head a lot.  I know plenty of people who are in love that have been good examples to me-- both sets of grandparents have been married over 60 years and my parents for 25. My best friend is in love with her boyfriend and they will get married within the next 14 months or so. (So excited- we are going to party like its 1999). I know that love is not always easy for them.  I know that they get mad at each other. I know that its hard to love someone when you know everything about them (including their tiniest faults and bathroom habits), and that indifference is far, far easier.

The same is true with friends and even global issues and justice. There are many times I have chosen to care less when friends struggle, when instead I should have been more empathetic, and more compassionate. There are times when I turn a blind eye to what's happening in the world because it's easier to not feel then to think about people in other places seeking justice and being defeated daily. If we are called to love, we need to be willing to feel something, to take a side, to stand up. I learned what love is from my parents and my family. How do you teach love to someone who has never felt it? How do you teach love to a kid whose parents are constantly fighting, to a high school girl that equates love with sex, to a college student who is loved by her friends but doesn't understand it because she's been abused? How can love feel so foreign?

I've been reminded several times, just in the last 12 or so hours, of how rare it is to be related to people you like that also love each other.

17 years ago today my mom had a baby that passed away not long after being born. Her name was Emilie and she was beautiful.  The doctors knew before she was born that she probably wouldn't make it. My mom had a series of miscarriages before this (I think six), but things were going better this time, and we thought maybe it would finally work out.  I remember the day my parents found out that there were complications and how upset they were. Through this whole process, they never quit showing me how much they loved me, and I'm sure it brought us closer. It is impossible to go through tragedy like that without having some change in relationships. For some families, it tears them apart, but for us, we clung tighter. This whole period was very sad and difficult, but as the story continues and a couple years pass, there is happiness. My brother was born, and though he too was born prematurely, a couple weeks in the hospital fixed him up and he's been a healthy and strong kid. I remember Mom holding him when he was a baby and crying saying "he's just so perfect". (Ben, if you read this, don't get all cocky about it. We all know Cara is actually the golden child. She just doesn't care).

I've seen love, and I've seen light in really dark situations.  Every family has their struggles , and every parent has the opportunity to choose love or to choose indifference. My prayer for all my friends and family, is the feeling of significance-- that they feel like they have family whether from friends in community or actual blood relatives and that they can be loved and love others. Hell, this is my prayer for the world.

With love,
LH

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UJWk_KNbDHo

Gettin crazy

I've never been this color in April. To most, I still seem very white, but this one is going down in the books as the tannest April of my life thus far. The past few days it has been in the 80's and lower 90's here, and a little cooler (and pretty much perfect) on the beach. That's where I spent today. I have been to the beach more in the past week than any other week since I first moved. I'm LOVING it. A couple of the guys I work with surf, and I'm hoping to convince one of them to teach me their ways this summer. I talked to Mom today and she said they had flurries in Missouri today. I picked the right year to move here, apparently.

I met with Cait and Dominique about moving to L.A. ,and am really, really hoping it works out for everyone. Our goal is June 1st, so that is something to look forward to. I'm dreading the moving process, but I think I can fit everything I own except my bed in my car. More than that, I'm dreading saying goodbye to my good friends at the co-op. When I reflect on my California experience thus far, I am overwhelmed with my good fortune in finding such wonderful friends and adventures. If anyone from the co-op reads this, know that someone else will have to instigate "prude night" in the hot tub. You just have to wear your swim gear... or anything. Just wear something, please. I don't want you all to die. That thing is a cesspool.

Before I left home last week, Boompa (my grandpa, in case you couldn't guess)gave me some money and told me to do something crazy with it. Initially, I was going to take surf lessons with it, but since I know people that surf now, I might be able to use the money for something else. Here are my ideas. Let me know if you have any as well.

1. Drive to San Diego and see some sights. Boompa was stationed there in the Navy, and would probably like to see pictures of it now.

2. Get a tattoo. I'm not sure what of, but he would probably think that was at least a little funny.

3. Go to a show at one of the venues on my California to-do list.

4. Alcatraz. I've been wanting to take the tour and see San Fran.

5. Get tickets to watch the Royals or Cardinals play the Dodgers or Angels. Also, Boompa LOVES baseball.

Okay, so they aren't all crazy, but they do seem pretty fun!
Love,
LH

This is what quitting feels like

I can finally breathe.

Let me just start by saying that I can't believe that less than a week ago I was in Missouri. I flew back here on Tuesday and even that seems like a very long time ago. I came back to two work schedules that overlapped, and spent a significant amount of time freaking out and trying to make both work. I never could get several of my Starbucks shifts covered, and in the middle of the madness, decided it was crazy to try to keep that job. I'm getting a full load at the station, and with all the driving, I hardly had time to shower and sleep. I realized after I quit (yesterday morning at 5:30 AM) that I had been holding my breath for a few days. I can finally breath again, and it feels so good!

I realized after quitting Starbucks that I have never actually had to quit a real job before, at least not like this. In the past, the reason I have quit jobs has been for very obvious reasons, like graduating high school, graduating college, or because the work was done or it was a summer job. This was hard for me. I wanted everything to be neat and tidy when I quit and didn't want to leave them scrambling. There was no good way of doing that this late in the game, however. I wish I had decided to quit as soon as I got the other job, but even then they would still have to figure out scheduling. I feel guilty, but I also know that I did the best I could in the situation and given the circumstances and pressure I put on myself.

Moving on from that, I'm excited to be able to focus on the radio gig and end a job I never wanted to pursue (although I'm so grateful I had it-- paid the bills, learned new skills, and made great friends). I will most definitely miss the people I worked with there, as they were the first friends I made when I moved here, and have been somewhat like family. I really hated the job when I first started, but after a while, I sort of looked forward to it. The first few months I lived here I was really lonely, and they took my mind off of being so far from home. I'm beyond grateful for that.

Now I have the next two days off and can focus on finding an apartment and hopefully getting all my ducks in a row to move closer to L.A. I never thought I'd say this, but I'm actually looking forward to moving to that blasted city. It seems like an adventure, and I'll have great company in the two girls I'm moving with.

I have more to say, but I am just so, so sleepy. I spent plenty 'o time out in the sun today, and am burnt and zapped of energy. I love it though.

Golden (and a little crispy),

LH

Something worth writing

I finally got a radio job! Yeeeehaawwww! The past couple of weeks have been really,really crazy,because I've been trying to work both at Amp (the LA radio station)as well as at Starbucks and have also taken a trip home to Missouri. Today I've been playing catch up, trying to do laundry (which is a long process without a dryer) and trying to find people to cover shifts at Starbucks when I'm at the radio station. So far, I haven't been very successful today, though I have finished a couple loads of laundry and bought a new planner to write all of this madness in. I'm on the verge of several big changes, and am really excited to move to LA and dive head first in to radio land.

I've said this a hundred times, but I really mean it this time. I want to focus more time on writing. In just a couple weeks, it will have been a year since I graduated from college. In this past year, I've had more change than any other time in my life, and I desperately need to write it down in detail, before I forget everything that has happened. I don't want to forget the people I've met, the obstacles I've faced, or all of the weird and good times I've experienced. I'm trying to figure out in what format I want to write all of this. Do I want to continue to blog and write things as they occur from day to day? Or maybe I should write a fictional story and incorporate events and people and places in to it. I've been trying to think of a theme--maybe something I've learned or some central theme. If anything the theme of my writing should be uncertainty. When I was driving across the country last July, I was excited but a little worried, not knowing what the next day would look like, or who I would be around. Nothing was familiar. That was a very odd feeling. I still feel something like that occasionally. Now, I'm not sure where I'm going to move to, but at least I know I have friends to move with, and I've met all my coworkers and have an idea of what to expect from this job. I'm going to miss my friends at the co-op and at Starbucks. I have a few people here that I've gotten close to, and it's going to be sad to say goodbye. I guess movement could be another theme. I have done a whole lot of moving, and have called several places home in the last 12 months. Home is a lot, though. Home for me right now is where I'm currently living, but also where my family is. Mom always gets upset when I call something other than our family house home, but I have to have home where I am as well. Home is also Mizzou, where I went to college and where I met my very closest friends and gained knowledge and ideas that have shaped my beliefs about the world.

I have a lot of things I could write about, but what needs to be written?

Time for work.
LH