Lately, things have been going really well (knock on wood). Because of my living situation, I am forced to make friends all the time, which is really healthy. I love making new friends, but have just realized a weakness in my relationship-forming process. I've hit a level where I'm terrified to go deeper, to get closer to anyone. If I get any closer to the people I live with and am surrounded by, I'm going to hurt badly when the time comes to leave them. I just did this a few months ago, and I still ache any time I think about leaving my best friends and my family.I was crazy blessed to have such wonderful college friends, and I feel like I'm missing parts not having them close. (Luckily they are planning a trip to come visit me very soon. We are going to squeal like small children... and probably skip everywhere we go).
I have no timeline for being here ,really, but I do miss my family badly. I question my decisions often, and though I love it here, there are very real consequences. I know this is a part of growing up, and a part of loving people and life moving you in different directions.(As one of the guys pointed out to me when we were in the hot tub yesterday,"How many people do you know that live with their parents when they are 30?". Though I see his point, and though I haven't "lived with my parents" since high school, I'm REEEAAAALLLLYYYY far away.) I guess that is the worst part of a best situation, though. All of the love and the good times make the hurt bearable. We still can talk to each other, and visit each other. My greatest hope for us--for my relationships with friends and family-- is that we will always be able to pick up where we left off. So far, so good.
I want to live and love fully. It's not fair to the people around me (or to myself) if I don't. I don't want to have reservations about loving people, especially when they have taken me in so quickly.I'm hoping that I am out of this funk by tomorrow. You can understand my reservations though, right? I didn't even realize that that's why I've been feeling a little off the past two days until I was painting and was working on something that reminded me of home. I was kind of beating myself up for being so reclusive. I could have easily found people to hang out with, but I just wanted time by myself. This is how I've felt since Tuesday. I haven't been too sad until tonight--mostly just stand-offish. I have spent time with people, but I've also spent a lot of time alone--overthinking (but of nothing too important, and of nothing new), and painting, and being sort of lazy. Anyway, I was painting tonight and I started crying because I miss my old friends, and then it hit me. The reason I'm choosing to be alone is that I'm afraid to get close to these crazy Californians--but lets face it, I already miss them when I'm away even for a week. I'm also afraid to invest a ton of time and energy in to anything here, because it feels so temporary. I don't know if I want it to be temporary though. There's no pressure for me to decide, but some days I wish I could. Then again, everything is somewhat temporary, right? Silly.
A few days ago, I finally had total closure with a guy I had love-like feelings towards for a while. He lives far, far away, and not even in Missouri, so I probably won't see him again. I was sad to find out he doesn't have love-like feelings for me, but was relieved as well. It was like a weight that I have been carrying for years was finally lifted. Hopefully I will stop comparing every guy I meet to him. Ha! Time will tell. The only reason I bring this up is because I am loving the feeling of a clean slate, and though I'm sad for the loss of him in my idealized future, I'm excited to see the world without that future in the back of my mind. (SO many run-on sentences.I don't feel like fixing them. I hope your eyes aren't too offended).It's the perfect time for me to start over with romantic relationships (though I'm not REALLY looking--just trying to keep a somewhat open mind), as well as invest in platonic ones.
Ahhhh, something about writing always makes me feel better. Maybe some of you can relate? Hope so.
Love, love, love,
LH
It sounds like your alone time was completely necessary. If you immerse yourself in your crafts, even in solitude, you won't feel alone. I really identify with Thoreau and his musing on solitude:
ReplyDelete"I find it wholesome to be alone the greater part of the time. To be in company, even with the best, is soon wearisome and dissipating. I love to be alone. I never found the companion that was so companionable as solitude. We are for the most part more lonely when we go abroad among men than when we stay in our chambers. A man thinking or working is always alone, let him be where he will. Solitude is not measured by the miles of space that intervene between a man and his fellows".
So I think it's good that you have such fond memories of friend and family from back home and here. But maybe just remember what makes those people so great (like your grandpas pancakes), smile, then continue on with your art, whatever that may be.