The worst of the best

Lately, things have been going really well (knock on wood). Because of my living situation, I am forced to make friends all the time, which is really healthy. I love making new friends, but have just realized a weakness in my relationship-forming process. I've hit a level where I'm terrified to go deeper, to get closer to anyone. If I get any closer to the people I live with and am surrounded by, I'm going to hurt badly when the time comes to leave them. I just did this a few months ago, and I still ache any time I think about leaving my best friends and my family.I was crazy blessed to have such wonderful college friends, and I feel like I'm missing parts not having them close. (Luckily they are planning a trip to come visit me very soon. We are going to squeal like small children... and probably skip everywhere we go).

I have no timeline for being here ,really, but I do miss my family badly. I question my decisions often, and though I love it here, there are very real consequences. I know this is a part of growing up, and a part of loving people and life moving you in different directions.(As one of the guys pointed out to me when we were in the hot tub yesterday,"How many people do you know that live with their parents when they are 30?". Though I see his point, and though I haven't "lived with my parents" since high school, I'm REEEAAAALLLLYYYY far away.) I guess that is the worst part of a best situation, though. All of the love and the good times make the hurt bearable. We still can talk to each other, and visit each other. My greatest hope for us--for my relationships with friends and family-- is that we will always be able to pick up where we left off. So far, so good.

I want to live and love fully. It's not fair to the people around me (or to myself) if I don't. I don't want to have reservations about loving people, especially when they have taken me in so quickly.I'm hoping that I am out of this funk by tomorrow. You can understand my reservations though, right? I didn't even realize that that's why I've been feeling a little off the past two days until I was painting and was working on something that reminded me of home. I was kind of beating myself up for being so reclusive. I could have easily found people to hang out with, but I just wanted time by myself. This is how I've felt since Tuesday. I haven't been too sad until tonight--mostly just stand-offish. I have spent time with people, but I've also spent a lot of time alone--overthinking (but of nothing too important, and of nothing new), and painting, and being sort of lazy. Anyway, I was painting tonight and I started crying because I miss my old friends, and then it hit me. The reason I'm choosing to be alone is that I'm afraid to get close to these crazy Californians--but lets face it, I already miss them when I'm away even for a week. I'm also afraid to invest a ton of time and energy in to anything here, because it feels so temporary. I don't know if I want it to be temporary though. There's no pressure for me to decide, but some days I wish I could. Then again, everything is somewhat temporary, right? Silly.

A few days ago, I finally had total closure with a guy I had love-like feelings towards for a while. He lives far, far away, and not even in Missouri, so I probably won't see him again. I was sad to find out he doesn't have love-like feelings for me, but was relieved as well. It was like a weight that I have been carrying for years was finally lifted. Hopefully I will stop comparing every guy I meet to him. Ha! Time will tell. The only reason I bring this up is because I am loving the feeling of a clean slate, and though I'm sad for the loss of him in my idealized future, I'm excited to see the world without that future in the back of my mind. (SO many run-on sentences.I don't feel like fixing them. I hope your eyes aren't too offended).It's the perfect time for me to start over with romantic relationships (though I'm not REALLY looking--just trying to keep a somewhat open mind), as well as invest in platonic ones.

Ahhhh, something about writing always makes me feel better. Maybe some of you can relate? Hope so.

Love, love, love,
LH

Midwest to West Coast

In my capstone class in college, I had to take the "Strengthsfinder"test so that Dr. Porter knew what he was getting himself in to with our group. It turns out that my number one strength is "Adaptability". Though I never really considered this as a strength before taking the test, (I suggest that everyone take it--it really helped me when writing my resume) it's totally proven itself over and over-- especially as I've adapted to a west coast lifestyle. I think I'm addicted to adapting-- I might like change a little too much. I dig the challenge.

Last week I went home to good ole' Missouri to see the fam and celebrate a late Christmas. It was wonnnnnderful. . . except for the weather.I didn't realize how much time I spend outside in California until I went home and really didn't want to go outside but felt a little cooped up inside (lose/lose). I eventually got used to being inside (sorta) and I at least had excellent company. Mom left up all the Christmas decorations and I gave everyone their presents and Ben and Cara gave me mine. I extended my trip a couple days which made time for some late Christmas cookie/ early Valentines day cooking baking time. I was lucky enough to spend time with both sets of grandparents and aunts and uncles and cousins and my best friend as well. Ben is playing varsity basketball this year, and I got to see him play and Cara perform at her district band concert. I tried to get Ben to carry her out of the auditorium on our shoulders, but for some reason he wouldn't do it.

I had several discussions with people when I was home about when I'm going to move back. I don't know that I will, but I'm not saying I won't either. I really love where I live, but the price I have to pay is that I don't see the people I love most very often. It's taxing. They are understanding of me wanting to be somewhere different for a while, but several people told me that this transition has been hard on my mom. Mom is not an adaptability queen, nor would she ever pretend to be. Ben and Cara and Dad and I kept teasing her --telling her that they should move out here. She wouldn't even joke about it. Mom and I are very similar in a lot of ways, but she absolutely LOVES where she lives, and the thought of being anywhere else bothers her. We should probably quit teasing her. She's a good mamma.

When I go home I feel like I'm in this weird time warp where everyone gets married super young and settles down and has kids. My parents did that,and are happy, so I can't knock it. It's just very opposite of where I am right now. There were several discussions I had with different people who are my age and are tying the knot. I can't imagine that right now, but to that they say, "you just haven't met the right person".
It's going take a very strong-willed man to get me to marry him. Bribes wouldn't hurt either.

So I spent a few days in Missouri and now I'm back in the Golden State and it's been sunny and around 80 degrees everyday. I'm happy to not have to wear pants... or a coat, but I miss my family something awful. Maybe I'll move back in a few years, but I have a feeling that the transition back is going to be just as difficult as the transition here. No matter how much I like the challenge, I can't deny the very low points I went through and the times I would have given anything to be home. Now, I love this place and I love the people I'm with. If I did have to state a next location, Memphis is still on my list. I'm not worried about timing too much now though. I'm happy not having a plan.

LH